All those days, you were looking for what's wrong, and why do you have a bad feeling about this. The thing is, if he knew you were too angry and sad to get any rest tonight, but still he went to sleep at ease, isn't it just the answer you are looking for? Doesn't this behavior clearly show that he doesn't care you as much as he says? So why are you still so sad?



3rd Day

When you are ready to accept the fact, something else just happened and changed everything you've been ready for.
No drama, not any more, please. There should not be any more drama. I can't think already. Who can just tell me what should I do?


2nd Day

Today's topic is hurt. I read, learn, and find something that I should know.

I cannot speak, because---

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” 

― C.S. Lewis

What I feel---

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” 

― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

“Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?” 
― Jennifer E. SmithThe Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight

“Did I really want to stay on this road longer, knowing it was only going to end in devastation?” 
― Becca FitzpatrickCrescendo

“There are only so many times that you can utter ‘It does not hurt’ before it begins to hurt even more than the hurt. You become enlightened of the feeling of feeling hurt, which is worse, I am certain, than the existent hurt.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer

And why---

“There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.” 
― Jonathan Safran FoerExtremely Loud and Incredibly Close

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi

So, if I feel hurt, the only reason is I let myself to be hurt. This is comforting somehow, because at least it's something that I can take care of  by myself. The only thing I have to do, is just to take back the permission, and guard it so that nobody can take it away ever again. 

Then what to expect---

“That is the way it is with a wound. The wound begins to close in on itself, to protect what is hurting so much. And once it is closed, you no longer see what is underneath, what started the pain.” 
― Amy TanThe Joy Luck Club


Oct. 25, 1st day

This may be the most boring story for others. But this is not a story to me, it's the first day of the rest of my life. I had to write it down, in case I forgot this ordinary day.

I know it would be hard. What I didn't know is it is going to be so difficult. 
It is the first day. The cellphone rings at 7:03 am, just about the right time as usual.I opened my eyes, stared at the screen, and did nothing. I looked at the name flashed on the screen, I waited, waited, and waited, until it stopped. It didn't last very long as usual, and he doesn't ring again. "So, this is the actual ending now." I told myself, and felt the freezing cold from the inside out.

I got up, washed my face(lights in the bathroom was flickering), found something purple to wear (today is the birthday of W), ate silently at the table, focused on reading some newspaper articles about whatever. "You'll be fine." That's the only thing I could think of. 

I put on my shoes, got out of the house, and found it was cloudy. "Good, it could be worse, it could rain." After walking a few minutes, I realized that it was actually raining. "Great, now go back and get the umbrella." After opening the umbrella, wearing the earphones, Christina Perri's voice emerged, "...You lost the love I loved the most.." So, I stopped at "Jar of hearts" yesterday. The ground was covered with fallen leaves. I stepped on the color of red and yellow. It was so thick and soft that I could still feel the warmth and strength of it. "'Cause you've broke all your promises,"(still Christina) and -- you don't get to get me back, if you are back, I thought to myself, but no, you will never be back, I know for sure. "Do not deceive yourself," I said to myself,"he is not going to get back. Even if he is, would you allow him to tear love apart again? Certainly not, so, here comes Christina again, 'Don't come back for me, Don't come back at all.'"

After "Jar of hearts", it was Johnny Cash's "Hurt"; and after that was "O Willow Waly"'s sad music story, "We lay my love and I beneath the weeping willow. But now I alone lie and weep beside the tree."----It's so true that people said during some special moments, you could hear your story from every song, and those songs would be flooded with your own memories. That's all because of effects of the emotions, I know. And, "It's all because that this is the first day, and after this day, I'll be fine." I told myself.

Actually today, I realized I had many wonderful friends here now, I'm not alone. I was accompanied by J, I invited to have a cup of cider with H; I was asked to give some suggestions about what I would like to see of Halloween costumes by C; I was able to talk about our story to S; I finally got to see Cara after a whole week. It's nice to be with friends. However, whenever I am alone... This feels terrible. 

For those who are curious about the story behind it, you should know: Maybe it was originated in a fiction, a dream, a fantasy, or a  illusion. 
And don't worry, I am fine. See, I am smiling.






"I distinctly remember forgetting it." Clara Barton said so.

I need a squeeze machine to produce controlled deep pressure touch.
Fear and social reinstatement responses cannot be ignored.
What should I do? It is easy to get lost between dark and light.
Waiting…for the unknown.