2013/12/01
Proof
All those days, you were looking for what's wrong, and why do you have a bad feeling about this. The thing is, if he knew you were too angry and sad to get any rest tonight, but still he went to sleep at ease, isn't it just the answer you are looking for? Doesn't this behavior clearly show that he doesn't care you as much as he says? So why are you still so sad?
如果某人明知你难过地睡不着觉，自己还能高枕无忧去睡大觉了，这不就是明摆着的证明了吗？你还难过什么呢？
如果某人明知你难过地睡不着觉，自己还能高枕无忧去睡大觉了，这不就是明摆着的证明了吗？你还难过什么呢？
2013/10/27
2013/10/26
2nd Day
Today's topic is hurt. I read, learn, and find something that I should know.
I cannot speak, because---
“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”
― C.S. Lewis
What I feel---
"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.”
― Nicholas Sparks
“Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?”
― Jennifer E. Smith, The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight
“Did I really want to stay on this road longer, knowing it was only going to end in devastation?”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo
“There are only so many times that you can utter ‘It does not hurt’ before it begins to hurt even more than the hurt. You become enlightened of the feeling of feeling hurt, which is worse, I am certain, than the existent hurt.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer
And why---
“There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
So, if I feel hurt, the only reason is I let myself to be hurt. This is comforting somehow, because at least it's something that I can take care of by myself. The only thing I have to do, is just to take back the permission, and guard it so that nobody can take it away ever again.
Then what to expect---
“That is the way it is with a wound. The wound begins to close in on itself, to protect what is hurting so much. And once it is closed, you no longer see what is underneath, what started the pain.”
― Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club
I cannot speak, because---
“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”
― C.S. Lewis
What I feel---
"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.”
― Nicholas Sparks
“Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?”
― Jennifer E. Smith, The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight
“Did I really want to stay on this road longer, knowing it was only going to end in devastation?”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo
“There are only so many times that you can utter ‘It does not hurt’ before it begins to hurt even more than the hurt. You become enlightened of the feeling of feeling hurt, which is worse, I am certain, than the existent hurt.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer
“There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
So, if I feel hurt, the only reason is I let myself to be hurt. This is comforting somehow, because at least it's something that I can take care of by myself. The only thing I have to do, is just to take back the permission, and guard it so that nobody can take it away ever again.
Then what to expect---
“That is the way it is with a wound. The wound begins to close in on itself, to protect what is hurting so much. And once it is closed, you no longer see what is underneath, what started the pain.”
― Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club
2013/10/25
Oct. 25, 1st day
This may be the most boring story for others. But this is not a story to me, it's the first day of the rest of my life. I had to write it down, in case I forgot this ordinary day.
I know it would be hard. What I didn't know is it is going to be so difficult.
It is the first day. The cellphone rings at 7:03 am, just about the right time as usual.I opened my eyes, stared at the screen, and did nothing. I looked at the name flashed on the screen, I waited, waited, and waited, until it stopped. It didn't last very long as usual, and he doesn't ring again. "So, this is the actual ending now." I told myself, and felt the freezing cold from the inside out.
I got up, washed my face(lights in the bathroom was flickering), found something purple to wear (today is the birthday of W), ate silently at the table, focused on reading some newspaper articles about whatever. "You'll be fine." That's the only thing I could think of.
I put on my shoes, got out of the house, and found it was cloudy. "Good, it could be worse, it could rain." After walking a few minutes, I realized that it was actually raining. "Great, now go back and get the umbrella." After opening the umbrella, wearing the earphones, Christina Perri's voice emerged, "...You lost the love I loved the most.." So, I stopped at "Jar of hearts" yesterday. The ground was covered with fallen leaves. I stepped on the color of red and yellow. It was so thick and soft that I could still feel the warmth and strength of it. "'Cause you've broke all your promises,"(still Christina) and -- you don't get to get me back, if you are back, I thought to myself, but no, you will never be back, I know for sure. "Do not deceive yourself," I said to myself,"he is not going to get back. Even if he is, would you allow him to tear love apart again? Certainly not, so, here comes Christina again, 'Don't come back for me, Don't come back at all.'"
After "Jar of hearts", it was Johnny Cash's "Hurt"; and after that was "O Willow Waly"'s sad music story, "We lay my love and I beneath the weeping willow. But now I alone lie and weep beside the tree."----It's so true that people said during some special moments, you could hear your story from every song, and those songs would be flooded with your own memories. That's all because of effects of the emotions, I know. And, "It's all because that this is the first day, and after this day, I'll be fine." I told myself.
Actually today, I realized I had many wonderful friends here now, I'm not alone. I was accompanied by J, I invited to have a cup of cider with H; I was asked to give some suggestions about what I would like to see of Halloween costumes by C; I was able to talk about our story to S; I finally got to see Cara after a whole week. It's nice to be with friends. However, whenever I am alone... This feels terrible.
For those who are curious about the story behind it, you should know: Maybe it was originated in a fiction, a dream, a fantasy, or a illusion.
And don't worry, I am fine. See, I am smiling.
I know it would be hard. What I didn't know is it is going to be so difficult.
It is the first day. The cellphone rings at 7:03 am, just about the right time as usual.I opened my eyes, stared at the screen, and did nothing. I looked at the name flashed on the screen, I waited, waited, and waited, until it stopped. It didn't last very long as usual, and he doesn't ring again. "So, this is the actual ending now." I told myself, and felt the freezing cold from the inside out.
I got up, washed my face(lights in the bathroom was flickering), found something purple to wear (today is the birthday of W), ate silently at the table, focused on reading some newspaper articles about whatever. "You'll be fine." That's the only thing I could think of.
I put on my shoes, got out of the house, and found it was cloudy. "Good, it could be worse, it could rain." After walking a few minutes, I realized that it was actually raining. "Great, now go back and get the umbrella." After opening the umbrella, wearing the earphones, Christina Perri's voice emerged, "...You lost the love I loved the most.." So, I stopped at "Jar of hearts" yesterday. The ground was covered with fallen leaves. I stepped on the color of red and yellow. It was so thick and soft that I could still feel the warmth and strength of it. "'Cause you've broke all your promises,"(still Christina) and -- you don't get to get me back, if you are back, I thought to myself, but no, you will never be back, I know for sure. "Do not deceive yourself," I said to myself,"he is not going to get back. Even if he is, would you allow him to tear love apart again? Certainly not, so, here comes Christina again, 'Don't come back for me, Don't come back at all.'"
After "Jar of hearts", it was Johnny Cash's "Hurt"; and after that was "O Willow Waly"'s sad music story, "We lay my love and I beneath the weeping willow. But now I alone lie and weep beside the tree."----It's so true that people said during some special moments, you could hear your story from every song, and those songs would be flooded with your own memories. That's all because of effects of the emotions, I know. And, "It's all because that this is the first day, and after this day, I'll be fine." I told myself.
Actually today, I realized I had many wonderful friends here now, I'm not alone. I was accompanied by J, I invited to have a cup of cider with H; I was asked to give some suggestions about what I would like to see of Halloween costumes by C; I was able to talk about our story to S; I finally got to see Cara after a whole week. It's nice to be with friends. However, whenever I am alone... This feels terrible.
For those who are curious about the story behind it, you should know: Maybe it was originated in a fiction, a dream, a fantasy, or a illusion.
And don't worry, I am fine. See, I am smiling.
2013/08/15
放空
没有背景音乐，总觉得难以集中精神。其实，背景音乐也只是心理安慰而且。某一时刻，稍一分神，才注意到听到的是什么。那是一个我第一次采访，听到的声音。
刚开始实习，没带杂志，没有名片，没有自信。在自己来看，没有任何能证明自己身份的物件，怎么看都是不靠谱的，围住他的是一堆早已成熟的记者，他们的超级伶牙俐齿、极度膨胀的自信与熟练的自报家门后的拉帮结派装，更是让好不容易靠近的我，缩了回来。生生是被同来的领导，骂回了采访对象那边。在旁边，等着，等着别人问完。期间也备受煎熬，还是可以看见“领导们”恶狠狠地“说”：你到底在等什么。
我在等什么。我在想，怎么才能不露痕迹地装成一个记者，如何开头，怎么打招呼、自我介绍，以及最重要的，在别人怀疑和不耐烦之前问出我想我的问题……我甚至觉得，自己的目的只是问出问题，而不是他的回答。如何开始、进展，已经问题，都已经不太记得。只记得，那是张一直在微笑的脸。至于这笑，我也忐忑了好久，他是不是看出这只是个第一次采访的实习上。这种怕被发现的恐惧，一直持续到了采访的结束。我拿着他的麻布制成名片，红着脸急着说：抱歉，我还没有名片。如果想到别的问题，再给您邮件，可以吗？只见他笑了一声，转头看着自己身后不远处的朋友们一眼，又回头问我：我们朋友待会聚会，去喝一杯吗？我忙说：不要了，我还有事。接着，我落荒而逃。
事后，有人说：你说没带名片，或名片发完了就好，一张名片证明不了什么。名不正言不顺。我只是，全无信心，而已。有时候，最窘迫的就是被看到了自己最无知无识、手足无措的狼狈时期。过了这段时间，很少会被别人眼中的自己吓住了。
再一回神，已是几首歌过去。可见，专心写字，该禁熟悉的声音，还有熟悉的气味、画面、字眼、心境……放空才好。
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